Life after cancer

I must apologise for the lack of activity on my blog lately. It is easy for me to think that the end of my cancer means the end of this blog but I don't think my story is over yet. Life after cancer is different to life before cancer. Interpretation of the word 'different' is a funny one. People may assume it means worse, but actually this isn't the case at all. I don't think that it is worse or better. Perhaps there are aspects which are better, and aspects which are worse, and overall they balance out. For example, I think I have matured a lot and been forced to have a more positive outlook on life. But at the same time my illness has left me scarred on the outside (short hair.. for now, and several scars from surgery etc). 

Anyway, here I am 3 months after my last chemotherapy in the beautiful city of Cape Town in South Africa. This holiday is very significant to me as it feels like a real stepping stone towards regaining normality. Normality is another funny word. I'm not sure exactly what 'normality' will be for me in the future But my hair is growing and with that my confidence is too. Christopher was out here with me for the first 2 weeks of the trip and we enjoyed experiencing Cape Town together. Since then I have been spending lots of quality time with my cousins and my aunt and uncle (with whom I am staying) and getting into a bit of a routine of running, swimming, reading, studying (loosely) and relaxing. I could get used to this...

I am really looking forward to spending Christmas day in the sun. I've never had a sunny Christmas before but there is definitely something about sunshine which makes me feel healthier. The short cold days in England are most unappealing to me at the moment. I will upload some pictures in the next few days to make those of you in the UK extremely jealous. Sorry in advance!!

The Big Apple

I'm sure I had mentioned New York many times in previous blog posts but I never knew if I would actually be able to go. Well... there was a light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, there were a lot of lights at the end of the tunnel for me exploring the big bright city of New York. It was incredible. I had enough energy to enjoy the sightseeing, the shopping and the dining. And my god the people are friendly. Every other person seemed to comment on my 'great hairstyle' with only one person actually picking up on the fact that my shaved head was not a decision I made freely. Central park was probably my favourite part of the city but the whole vibe was amazing and the skyline created by the tall buildings was stunning. Next stop... Cape Town!

A little extra help

Writing this post isn't going to be easy, because it regards a subject which I think is still somewhat taboo in society. Counselling. (And mental health in general). For some reason I feel embarrassed that I decided to go to a counsellor, and even more embarrassed about posting about it on my blog. But I know that in reality I have nothing to be ashamed of. To be honest, if it hadn't been for my mum I probably would never have gone. I would have accepted that sometimes I will feel upset and struggled on trying to deal with what the past year has meant to me, by myself. But I'm glad that mum suggested going to speak to someone because it really does clear the mind and feel like a big weight is off my shoulders. It has become clear to me that without this counselling I might have been able to deal with my emotions, but equally there was a sizeable chance that I'd have developed depression. I don't think people should be ashamed of speaking to someone, because no matter how strong the support system around you may be, speaking to a stranger can really make a difference.

Life in limbo

On Monday I had my end of chemo PET/CT scan. My haematologist said that the results would fall into one of three categories. Either white all over meaning I am completely clear of the cancer and in official remission, black which would indicate the cancer is still present and more chemo would be necessary, or grey which would be an inconclusive scan which would need to be followed up with another scan a few months later to determine if more treatment was to be necessary. He warned me that it was quite common for there to be some grey areas. So I suppose I had somewhat mentally prepared myself for that. But the idea of any black areas was quite simply unthinkable. Thankfully I finally have had some good luck and the scan was completely white - HELLO REMISSION!!

Since finishing chemo I have discovered something that I wasn't expecting. I wanted to share it on here for anyone who stumbles across this blog who has been diagnosed with cancer, so that you are prepared for the unexpected! I assumed that the end of chemo meant that I'd have my life back. Freedom, and time to do whatever I want. Yet here I am, with no job, no university (until exams next year) and basically very little to do. This hasn't been helped by my broken arm which has left me unable to drive. So the euphoric feeling of finishing has been replaced by a unwelcome feeling of 'now what?'. I think during chemotherapy the scheduled fortnightly treatment provided me with some structure, which made time pass much quicker. I am going to try to jam pack my days full of activities so that I don't die of boredom. But I have learnt a valuable lesson in the importance of structure in ones life. We all complain about lectures/jobs/school but without them we'd be complaining even more (as I have proven!). 

I've also realised that during chemo I didn't actually have that much time to think about and reflect on what I was going through. It all seemed to just happen. Now my thought processes are something along the lines of 'oh my god did the past 6 months really happen? Did I just beat cancer?'. It all feels quite surreal. But you know what they say - what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. I believe it's true.

Me again...

Hello readers. I know what you're thinking. Back already? Oh god the cancer is back? Well... no - I haven't even had my scan yet! But yesterday I went for a bike ride round the block and managed to fall off and fracture my right arm. Silly me. Although I blame the cages on mum's bike pedals. So I suppose my fitness plan may go off to a slower start than I'd hoped. Perhaps this is a message from 'above' telling me to SLOW THE HELL DOWN. Message received. Although I did go and meet with a personal trainer today to get the ball rolling, with or without my right arm.  No more yoga for a while. Namaste yoga. Here's to hoping this cast isn't on too long, I will keep the blog updated in the meantime.

The Conclusion

So here it is, the blog post you've all been waiting for. After 5 months of fortnightly chemotherapy I have finally had the final dose. I've also had my picc line removed so can finally shower without a ridiculous plastic thing covering my entire right arm!

I don't know what to write now, for the first time since I started this blog. Obviously I have a lot of thank you's to do which will come but first of all I suppose I should describe how I feel. Which is much harder said than done! This has been an extremely difficult phase of my life and I am so relieved to have come out the other side fairly smoothly. My pin cushion stomach will be very happy to see the back of all the injections. I feel like laughing and crying at the same time. But there is a certain sense of what next? It's a bit scary to think I can do whatever I want without having to consider whether it will coincide with feeling poorly or with a chemo day. I suppose that's what they call FREEDOM. I'm certainly going to embrace it.

Here come the thank you's. They may seem boring to a lot of readers but to me they are immensely important because without these people the past 9 or so months would have been difficult, and seemed impossible.

First of all the most important and probably under-appreciated individuals in this whole process. The doctors, nurses, healthcare assistants, caterers and general staff in my ward at the hospital. I know I was not the easiest patient at times as I was always begging to go home but I am so lucky to have been treated and seen to by such passionate, caring and professional staff.

My family. I remember talking to my aunt early this summer and saying that in a way I'm glad it was me that got ill and not someone with a dysfunctional unsupportive family. A controversial comment perhaps, but I have had such an incredible support system and it has taken so much of the pressure off me. I've always been told it's ok to have the occasional cry - but I've never had to cry alone. My mum astonishingly attended every single one of my 12 chemotherapy session whilst my dad managed to keep working and keep home life ticking over normally. And you bought me a dog (which you now want to keep for yourselves but regardless..).. thank you!!! The concern of my brothers has meant so much to me and I'm so grateful to you both for making me smile when I didn't think I could. Obviously the new addition to the family - Dizzy the Cockapoo - deserves a big thank you as she was an amazing distraction and has taken the hearts of the whole family. But she can't read so I won't go on...

Another of the support systems which I could not have gone without and will never take for granted is my friends. I have got the most unbelievable group of girls both from home and university who have been there behind me pushing me forward with an invisible hand. When you go through something like this you realise who is important in your life and I can happily say that these people, who know who they are, will be friends for life. Despite the chemo I've actually had a fantastic 5 months with the girls all being home from uni/graduating and it has really picked me up and kept me busy.

And last, but most certainly not least, Christopher. What can I say? Tomorrow we will have been together for a year. To think that 6 months into our relationship I was diagnosed with cancer is astonishing. What's even more astonishing is that you stuck by my side. I don't think there are many 22 year old men who would do that. And in the way that you have as well, being a vital member of chemo-club, experiencing the whole thing with me and actually making it feel positive. We've been on so many fun dates and we've learnt to appreciate each other in a way that many couples probably never do. I'm crying writing this because I'm a soppy old thing. But thank you for everything.

Writing the thank you's was probably the most emotional thing about finishing. I will carry on writing the odd blog post because I've still got a scan in 3 weeks time and lots of exciting holidays which it would be nice to log. So this isn't the last post although it does feel like it is in a weird way. The final thing I need to say is thank you for reading this blog. If it hadn't had the response that it did, I suspect I wouldn't have bothered writing. And for me, it has been so valuable to be able to document my feelings in a completely open and honest way. I can't lie, so I couldn't lie to you and that has meant I haven't had to lie to myself or hold my emotions in. I feel like I'm a stronger person than I was before, but who knows if I had it in me to start off with, and have never needed to utilise it before. I hope that after my masters I am able to get a job working in Cancer Research and can in some way give something back and make a difference in this never ending fight against cancer. And if not... I hope this blog can be found by young people diagnosed with cancer and give you hope. Because it is going to be okay in the end. :-)

Just my luck!

Today was meant to be the day. THE day that I finally finished chemo. I've had lots of people wishing me well and saying how happy they are for me that it's nearly over. And for some reason I wasn't getting too excited. Well now I know why... my silly neutrophils decided to take another dip meaning that I wasn't allowed to have the treatment. I was given a booster injection, and will be having another tomorrow with the hope of having chemo the following day. But I won't be getting my hopes up! Please if you're reading this cross your fingers, toes, arms, legs, and eyes if you can, that these silly little white blood cells wake up in time for Friday.

Until then... goodnight all!

p.s. Dizzy has been spayed and she is really sad. I on the other hand am gutted not to have finished chemo today but had Wagamama for lunch which cheered me up completely. Oh the little things. :D

Nearly there...

I had chemotherapy yesterday. And I actually can't believe I'm writing this but... I've only got one left! I never thought I'd see this day, it always seemed such a long way into the distance. But it really is in sight. And I'm finally beginning to allow myself to genuinely look forward to the future. A healthy future. Trust me, it will be healthy. I think having a life threatening disease allows you to realise how easy it is to make small adjustments to your life to make it healthier. A good diet, fitness, and general well being is actually so achievable but people (including myself) often see them as a hassle. But after 5 or 6 months of doing very little exercise I miss it so much. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't exactly a fitness freak before! But I'd do the odd bit in the gym and go to trampolining when I wasn't feeling too lazy. And ofcourse I walked the 10 minute journey to and from uni several times a day. Being less mobile now has made me realise how far a bit of exercise goes in making you feel better inside and out.

I saw a lung doctor yesterday, following a series of tests. He thinks I've got asthma (not sure if this is a result of chemo or not?) which is treatable but explains my ongoing breathlessness. Hopefully getting that sorted will encourage me to do more exercise without worrying about getting puffed out or fainting (a story for another time...).

So the general mood of this post is for me a motivational one to push myself to get fitter and be healthier. But I hope it helps people reading this too! If you have low energy levels chances are you aren't eating healthily and you aren't getting enough exercise. Do something about it with me!!

Breaking out..

Ha ha just kidding I didn't actually break out of hospital. However I did get out just in the nick of time - the morning of Christopher's birthday (Thursday). I know the question on all of your minds. What was my neutrophil level that morning, with it having been 1.5 the previous one. Well, ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourself for a shock. On the morning of Thursday the 24th of August my bloods were taken and I had an astonishing '14.2' count for neutrophils. The norm is between 2 and 8 (roughly). So I managed to go from being neutropenic to neutrophilic in 24 hours. Ridiculous. But it allowed me to go home and spend the day and evening with Christopher celebrating his birthday. We went out for a wonderful dinner and generally had a lovely day, I am just so lucky to have had the opportunity to do so after all the drama of the past week.

This picture was taken just before going to Christopher's birthday party at a bar called PING in Earls Court in London. You can take the girl out of the party but you can't take the party out of the girl......

It's a miracle!!

Following the change to the more specific antibiotic mentioned in my last post, my temperature spiked again and my neutrophil level dropped to an undetectable level. Not good. But having been put back on the previous antibiotic again here is my update...

So it is now Wednesday morning and I've been stuck here in the hospital for a whole week. But I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel due to the miracle that occurred overnight. As I mentioned in my last post, the doctor said my neutrophils must be over 1 in order for me to leave the hospital. Yesterday they were 0.2 so I was not feeling hopeful. However last night I could feel it in my bones that something great was happening. No seriously. My hips and long bones in my legs get achey following a few days of the neutrophil booster jab and last night was particularly bad. This is because my bone marrow had kicked into action to produce tons of White Blood Cells and an INCREDIBLE increase in neutrophils. This mornings blood test read 1.5 for neutrophils!!! Unfortunately I still have to stay an extra 24 hours due to a change in antibiotics, from one which needed to be administered 3 times a day i.v. to one which only needs to be administered once a day i.v. This needs monitoring for 24 hours to ensure I don't spike a temperature. And if that happens I can go home and celebrate Christopher's birthday with him. I am stupidly excited although I must try not to get ahead of myself. I think all of the above made sense but sometimes I forget that all this neutrophil malarky is not general knowledge. So someone do let me know if it isn't clear at all!

2 steps forward, 1 step back

Let me just apologise in advanced for the layout, grammar and punctuation of this post. It's being written from a hospital bed on my iPhone which is not easy!

Where do I start? It is now midday on a Sunday. I've been here in this room almost constantly since 8am on Thursday morning. Chemo on Tuesday was long but relatively smooth. The picc line was a blessing, avoiding both the pain and needles I usually experience. But on Wednesday afternoon I spiked a temperature of 39.4 and knew that I would probably be making my way back into hospital very shortly. Over night we controlled my temperature with paracetamol and the next morning I was in hospital bright and early. At first I was given an IV antibiotic (through my picc line of course) which would cover a wide spectrum of bacterial infections. My temperature began to steady out and has been fine since. But my neutrophil and general white blood cell levels in my blood have not had such an easy journey. On Thursday there was no neutrophils showing and a low level of white blood cells, about 0.4. By yesterday my neutrophils were up to 0.7 (once they are above 1 I'm considered safe and no longer neutropenic). So I was hopeful that today I'd be going home! But a blood test this morning showed that the neutrophil level had dropped and again were not detected. So back to square one it seems.

Yesterday the blood cultures from a few days ago identified the infection as a coag negative staph infection, one which is common with picc lines. So I'm now on a more specific antibiotics for the next week along with neutrophil booster injections daily. Fingers crossed they do the job!

Sorry it's not an overly interesting or upbeat update from me today. Lets just hope I'm out of this place in the next couple of days and back to normality, until my next chemo of course. Oh and needless to say I have missed the Edinburgh fringe festival which myself and my family were so looking forward to attending this weekend.. There's always next year eh?

The Home Run

It's been a busy week, filled with some fun and some... not so fun. I had the picc line put in last Tuesday. And I was VERY brave even if I say so myself. It isn't a painful procedure at all but was just slightly uncomfortable for about 24 hours and is still a little bruised. But my god was it worth it! It's amazing how much less stressful chemoclub is (for everyone involved) when there's no needles. The blood sample was taken from the line, so no blood test needle, and obviously no cannula (wahooooo).

Okay, let me just set the scene for last Wednesday. So we arrived at about 10am, and by 2pm the last of the drugs has finished and the line is being flushed. Record Time of 4hrs. Impressive stuff. Mum and Christopher are excited. I decide to go for a quick wee. Wee done, toilet flushed, hands washed, walking back to the bed, and all of a sudden I become aware of how breathless and sweaty I am. I reach my hospital bed just in time as the room starts going a bit speckled (the weird sensation before fainting) and luckily I manage to regain composure. The nurses come in and I'm given oxygen and the doctor is called. 4 hours, a chest x-ray, some antibiotics and a lot of oxygen later.. we got home. Sorry Mum and Christopher!

So, enough drama, basically one of two things had happened. Either the bleomycin, one of the chemotherapy drugs, had caused some damage to my lungs (not uncommon) or I'd got a chest infection. Being myself, I was convinced that I was absolutely fine and convinced the doctor to let me go home with some precautionary antibiotics. End of story. No, just kidding, not the end at all. The antibiotics didn't agree with my tummy the next day so I called the doctor, told him I was feeling much better and he reluctantly said I could stop taking the antibiotics. Cue breathlessness and temperature. The next morning I was whisked back into hospital. I had a CT scan which came up clear but nonetheless was given antibiotics IV (intra-venously) and had a consultation with a specialist lung doctor who suspected the bleomycin had caused slight damage to my lungs as well as the temperature I had spiked. Much to my dismay the hospital still kept me in overnight, but it wasn't too bad as Christopher kindly stayed over with me on a little camp bed and we had a nice evening watching '8 out of 10 cats countdown'. I had a lung function test yesterday to further test my lungs so will hopefully find out soon if I need some steroids which should apparently help repair my lungs (not quite sure how..).

That's the bad part of my week. Other than that I've had fun too! I've watched A LOT of films (Matilda, Contraband, Cinderella Story, Whats Your Number, What Women Want) and went to the cinema to see 'The Heat 'which is absolutely hilarious and had me almost wetting myself laughing. I've also baked some more cupcakes although I don't know why as I never actually eat them. And tomorrow me and my family are travelling down to somerset for a long weekend away. (I'm not allowed to go abroad so somerset will suffice!).

Hair update: I have very little hair left. My once thick black eyelashes are now relatively sparse and brown, and my eyebrows are also sparse. But that's what make up is for. The hair on my head is still very evenly spread but there is very visible scalp between strands. I've gone for a grade 1.5 trim to make it look less fluffy and neater.

But the good news is.... 5 weeks today I will be having my FINAL EVER CHEMO. I'm on the home run!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also my puppy is ridiculously cute.

Mini-break in the country

Christopher and I headed up to Cambridge last weekend (this is now a couple of weekends ago as I forgot to click post) to celebrate his mum, Jo's, birthday.

I must say, having weekends away and being busy is such a nice distraction from the boredom and unhappiness that can come with chemo. On Jo's birthday we did lots of baking (because we are cool) for the garden party we were going to the following day. I wish I'd taken some pictures of what we made but I completely forgot so you'll just have to use your imagination I'm afraid.

That evening we went to see Monsters University which is a GREAT film and I'd encourage everyone to go and see it. 

On the Sunday Christopher's nan joined us and we headed to the garden party. It was lovely meeting everyone and I was made to feel very welcome, but by 5pm my batteries ran out and we had to head back. Obviously I am not actually battery run but its quite a helpful way to describe my energy levels. As C once said - going out with me is like going out with your phone on 20% battery. Works perfectly, as normal, but runs out quicker and once it's gone... it's gone.

Picc line time

Although positive thinking is something I try to live by, so is honesty. So I'm sorry if this scares anyone who is reading this for reassurance - heres me being honest.

The last chemo was not good. Worse than that actually, it was bad. The veins in my hands have had enough. Now, I didn't have great veins to start off with, so it has always been quite difficult but last chemo was the final straw. I think pumping painful chemotherapy down veins which are already pretty damaged was never going to be pain free. But it was very sore indeed. The nurses said they've never seen me cry so much. The last of the drugs which goes in over 2 hours was 2 hours of gritting my teeth with a heat pad on my arm in an already too hot room.

A week and a half on, the skin on my hand is still very sensitive to the touch and I have only just become able to wiggle all of my fingers without wincing. I'm not quite sure why this has happened but I will be sure to ask the doctor on Monday.


So I've summoned up what remains of my inner strength and decided to have a picc line put in for the final 4 treatments. This is a tube which will go into my upper arm and be threaded through the vein right up to where it enters my heart. The chemotherapy will be entering a much larger vein than the ones in my hands, with a much faster flow of blood, so it shouldn't cause as much (if any) damage to the veins. I'm having it put in on Tuesday, the day before chemo. It will be inconvenient in terms of showering etc as I cannot get it wet but nowhere near as inconvenient as my sore hand/arm has been for the past week and a half.

Shlurping vino

Sorry for the absence in blogging activity over the last week or two! I have been a very busy bee so I'm going to split it up into a few blog posts for ease of reading. In my last post I completely forgot to mention what I had actually done that day - a trip to Vinopolis with my friend of 15 years Emma! If you don't know it, Vinopolis is a wine tasting building in london popular with tourists and those who enjoy a glass of wine, or two or three... like myself and Emma.

We headed up to London around midday and purchased lunch at borough market which is just round the corner. I made a fatal error in buying a pulled pork bap with a rather spicy sauce on it. I just couldn't handle the heat. We then went and sat out at a pub terrace overlooking the river, which was very close to Vinopolis itself. We ordered some chips having realised that drinking on a semi-empty stomach might not be the smartest of ideas..!

Vinopolis itself was an interesting experience and actually allowed me to work out what type of wines I like. I've never been a keen red wine drinker but I actually really liked all of the red wines that I tried.

People are often suprised that I am still able to drink whilst having chemotherapy, and that I have an appetite for it. I couldn't help but wonder if people at Vinopolis guessed that my bald head was due to chemo as opposed to an edgy fashion statement. And if so.. were they judging me for drinking? Who knows!

Summer time!

It's now Sunday... so it has been 9 days since my last chemo (sorry for the delay in posting on here, the sun has been a big distraction). I think the veins in my hands have had enough of the needles and the poison they've been subjected to. I have always thought it's quite nice to have hands without veins sticking out but chemo makes me want to have perfect cannula hands - with those big, juicy, pertruding veins that the nurses so love. So the cannula went in easily BUT I had to have a heat pad on my arm for most of the day to try and make it less painful as the chemo went in. Which on a normal day, would have been fine, but when it's 28 odd degrees outside and the room already feels like a sauna, it is not nice having the addition of a heat pad. 

The warm weather did somehow make me feel better than I normally do in the few days after chemo though. Or maybe it was a psychological thing? Who knows! My hand and arm were sore for a while afterwards until only yesterday really, which is much longer than normal. It prevented me playing tennis the other day which REALLY annoyed me. 

My aunt Jo (my dads sister) and my cousin Jake came to visit from South Africa this week and spent a few days at ours. We had a lovely time enjoying the weather in the garden and yesterday went out for a really nice meal. It was at a pub called The Royal Standard in Beaconsfield which is the oldest freehouse in England (over 900 years old!!!). After dinner we went back to the house to carry on drinking, and played a great game my aunt taught us called 'Splash'. This ended with me having to pour several glasses of water over myself.. but despite this I loved the game!

 Me and christopher went strawberry picking the other day and made a tasty pavlova!

Dizzy is still unbearably cute however she has grown (this was not part of the deal when we bought her). I am actually obsessed with her though. Every time I leave the house I miss her and whenever I wake up in the morning she is the main thing which drags me out of bed and downstairs! I know what you're thinking... how sad... but everyone who has met her will or should understand.

Pimms O'clock

It's that time of year! Me and my family have always enjoyed playing a bit of tennis, but the highlight of the tennis-ing (is that a word?) year for me is definitely Wimbledon. Me and Christopher were lucky enough to get our hands on a couple of centre court tickets for today. We saw both of the womens semi-finals. The first match was... uninspiring to say the least. But the second match, in which Lisicki played (the women who knocked out Serena Williams) was incredibly close and had me so stressed by the end I felt like I might need a massage. That's the only thing wimbledon is missing. Pimms... tick. Strawberries... tick. Massages for the AUDIENCE... you heard it here first.

It's half 11 and I just thought I'd write a quick post before tomorrow as tomorrow is chemo number 7, and I'll be too ill to write for a few days. I was thinking the other day about how weird the concept of chemotherapy is. Especially once you are finally 'cured' or 'cancer-free' as I supposedly am. I'd say I feel healthier than I have done in years. I'm used to having colds approximately once every month or two, accompanied by the odd infection such as tonsillitis (until I had the damn things removed). However the last time I had a cold was about 7 months ago! So yeah, I feel great, yet tomorrow I will head down to the hospital to be attached to a drip and injected with drugs to cure me, but in doing so make me feel like shit for days. Where's the logic in that??

If you're wondering why I'm still having chemotherapy when the scan shows that the cancer is as good as gone, let me explain. The bulk of the disease will be localised to the lumps, which were in my neck, my chest and abdomen/groin (I think). But cancer has the ability to metastasise, meaning that it can spread from organ to organ via the bloodstream. The aim of the next 6 treatments is to catch and kill (I should stress these are not strictly biological terms..) the metastasised disease, so that in the months and years to come I don't get secondary cancer. 

It's late and my brain is half asleep so if that explanation made no sense I'll edit it in a few days time once I've recovered from chemo club tomorrow. Goodnight all!

Take THAT Cancer

So today has been a nerve-wracking day to say the least. Although I do think of myself as an optimistic person, I like to prepare for the worst in situations like these. It makes it easier if the results are bad. But the fantastic news is... it's GONE! Or almost gone, anyway. The doctor said the results were the best possible results we could have hoped for, which works for me! I'll obviously still have to have the next 6 treatments and another scan after these to check that its still gone. But essentially I am 'in remission'. I know that the next 5 or so years will be a bit scary as I'll be having more scans to make sure it hasn't come back, but after today I am feeling relatively positive. Apparently past studies and research have shown that at this point, if the cancer is gone, there is a very small risk of me having secondary cancer in the years to come. Part of me wants to go on Google Scholar and do a little research for myself (rather than taking the doctors word for it) but I will probably just scare myself. So for now - what the doctor says, goes.

Here's a question. So I've had some amazing news today yet all I can do is cry? Why is this? And is the wine I'm sipping on (glass number 3) helping?

One of the best things about the results is that I feel like I can start looking forward to our family holiday to New York in October. We haven't had a family holiday in a while, all five of us, and I have always wanted to go to New York. I am particularly looking forward to the shopping but there is lots of other stuff to see and do so I'll be doing lots of research over the coming months. WOOO!!

Make me pretty

I've had a lovely extended weekend. On Friday I went to London with mum and my second cousin Liz for a bit (okay.. a lot) of shopping. Some of mums friends had generously given me money for a mac makeover and Harvey Nichols gift vouchers - such a treat! So we headed out to Knightsbridge and first of all went to Harrods Mac counter where the make up artist transformed me from dull and make-up-less to this...

Sorry about the facial expression - there were a few pictures of me smiling, which were actually even less flattering than this one!

I spent the Harvey Nicks vouchers on some make-up including this lovely Mac lipstick and Chanel eyeshadow, as well as a pair of jeans I found in the sale :) It was a very successful day which we all thoroughly enjoyed.

Today (Sunday) has been outrageously good weather so me and Christopher made the most of it by... cooking cupcakes! Below is a picture. See if you can guess who did which.

Clearly Christopher did the artist 'sea themed' ones, whilst I did the strawberry flavoured pinky ones and the horrible green Wimbledon themed cake. Grandma chose this cake for her dessert which she instantly regretted as the black dye I used to draw the court lines on ended up dying her mouth and lips black. Lucky her, granny the goth! If you're wondering how we managed to create these artistic cakes, wonder no more. Christopher actually invested an unhealthy amount of money in cake making kits including all the gels to dye the icing and multiple moulding devices a while ago. He has assured me that he is straight, he just likes to bake. The meterosexual male personified!

I'm feeling pretty nervous, as I have my PET/CT scan at 8am tomorrow morning. Last time I almost fainted. It's such a weird experience because you are put in a strange room to have this radioactive substance injected into your arm (it was at this point that I started blacking out) and then left by yourself for approx 45mins until it's time to enter the scan. The scan itself is okay - I think I actually fell asleep last time. But not being able to hug my family afterwards due to the fact I was essentially 'radioactive' was not fun. The main thing I'm nervous about are the results of the scan which I should be receiving in the afternoon at my doctors appointment. Wish me luck..!!

6 down, 6 to go

I forgot to mention in the past couple of posts... I am officially half way through my chemotherapy. Well as it stands anyway. I'll be having a PET/CT scan on Monday which will determine whether or not I have just the final 6 treatments or need further treatment. If there is little to no activity shown on the scan it'll be the 6.. and if more then it'll be extended to 10 and I'll have a further scan towards the end of that. Fingers and toes crossed that it's just the 6!

Everyone seems very happy for me that I'm half way, and I suppose I am kinda happy. But I must say, my first thought was 'oh god I've got to do all of that all over again'. Oh well, I can't complain too much, I'm very lucky that I've still got eyebrows, eyelashes and some hair on my head. Lets see how much longer they last!

My friend Antonia from uni came to visit me yesterday and today. We went out for cocktails last night with the girls and have had lots of fun playing with Dizzy, the little bundle of fluff. Shame my hayfever has been absolutely horrendous today - my eyes are so itchy and won't stop watering. Ironic that hayfever is the biggest thing bothering me right now! Is it ironic? I always misuse the word ironic I should probably just stop using it.

A friend of mine is doing some fundraising for the Royal Marsden hospital, cycling all the way from Istanbul to London. I don't normally do advertising on here but the Royal Marsden is a great hospital and is one of the leading cancer care hospitals so I think it's a very worthy cause! Also... I definitely couldn't cycle 2000+ miles so hats off to you boys. Here's the link if you want to donate - http://www.justgiving.com/thequestforhugethighs

Immune to Zombies

It's half 12 (midnight) on a Monday evening and I'm sat on my computer blogging. Can't say I ever thought I'd see this day! But I've just got back from watching 'World War Z' with the girls, and it scared the living daylights out of us.. so I'm hoping writing this will be a good distraction and I won't be having nightmares when I eventually go to sleep.

I didn't bother wearing my wig to the cinema. In fact, I very rarely wear it. This isn't because my hair isn't falling out and I'm try to rep the edgy shaved head, my hair is definitely a lot thinner than when I originally got it shaved. But I've got to the point where I don't think I care what people think, and therefore don't care what's going through their heads when they see my scalp. Also, in the film we watched people with cancer and other illnesses didn't get attacked by the zombies.. the silver lining we've all been looking for? Immune to zombie attacks. Hooray!!

It's now 12.37. Bedtime I think, but first let me quickly write down a list of exciting things for the next few weeks (bar chemo).

Antonia (my friend from uni) coming to visit this week.. Georgie's Birthday celebrations on Saturday.. A trip to the cotswolds for a friends leaving bash.. Wimbledon centre court tickets!.. And hopefully a Spa day squeezed in somewhere. Goodnight.

First things first

I'm about to go out for a celebratory dinner with mum, Josh and C because I got my result yesterday for my dissertation. And... somehow... I got a first! I had done half of it before Christmas, back in the days when I was fit and healthy (or unknowingly cancer ridden) and I got 78% in that - I'm so chuffed! The second part was the bit that I mentioned in some of my earlier blog posts, which I was struggling with finishing whilst having chemo. I got 68% in that which I am equally happy with and together averaging on a first is the icing on the cake.

The offer which I got from Queen Mary University of London for Cancer Therapeutics MSc only asks that I get a 2:2 and I am feeling confident that if I work my butt off for exams next summer I should get a 2:1. Who knows if I will somehow not crumble under the exam stress and get that unimaginable first...

A normal life

Today myself and Christopher booked our trips to Cape Town! He's coming for two weeks and I am going for the full month. I'll even get to enjoy a sunny Christmas which will be very strange but I cannot wait to enjoy the perks of a summer Xmas.


I've had a great week. Sport has featured heavily, as I've decided that cancer is not an excuse to get unfit/ out of shape. So I've been playing a bit of tennis and have tried yoga and pilates. Yoga is so relaxing that mum fell asleep at the end which was absolutely hilarious for me. And pilates was such hard work that my stomach ached for several days!

My lovely course mates came to visit last week for the day so we went out for a nice pub lunch and then they came to my house and met Dizzy. As usual she was a little rascal (she is getting bigger by the day.. if she keeps growing at this rate she will be a giant!).

Everyone at uni has been getting their results. Obviously this is quite difficult for me as I'd love for everything to have gone smoothly as I would be graduating soon. But I might as well make the most of the extra year I have for revision. No excuse not to smash it out the park! I get the result for my dissertation tomorrow (I think..) Nerve-wracking stuff.

Tomorrow the beautiful Jo G and Jenny J are coming to stay for a couple of days before Chemo Club on Wednesday. Unfortunately the weather forecast isn't great so I'll have to think up some fun things to do which don't involve being outside... not easy when you live in Bucks!

I'm currently reading a book called Before I Go to Sleep by SJ Watson - a really good read. It is basically the film 50 first dates but in book form and with some fairly major differences. For anyone that hasnt seen the film.. it is about a woman who loses her memory of the past 30ish years every time she goes to sleep. She's married so it's all a bit awkward as every morning she wakes up in bed with a man who she assumes to be a one night stand (but is actually her husband of 20+ years). Anyway I would definitely recommend it if you need an easy but gripping book to read.

This one's for you, Jo

One of the best things about having lots of free time is it gives me time to make fun plans for post chemo days. So this post is designed to excite me, and to make you all jealous. My aunt Jo has been begging for a new post so this one revolves around my trip to see her and the family in December!

If all goes roughly to plan (with no more delays) chemo will be finished in early September. My exams aren't until May which gives me a few months of fun before I have to start revision. We've got a family holiday booked for October to New York which I am trying not to get too excited about incase treatment gets delayed and I can't go. So I'll swiftly move over that onto my next plan.... South Africa!

I've got some lovely family who live out in Cape Town, who have kindly invited me and Christopher over for a long holiday in late November/early December. So I have been putting together a list of fun things to do out there, which are actually pretty much endless.

1) Climb the lions head. No, not a real lions head. It's a mountain that from some angles looks like a lions head (I think?). 

2) Take a trip up table mountain. 

3) Vineyard wine tasting in Steinburg. My brother did this last time he went and apparently the vineyard is beautiful and you can cycle to it on a tour type thing which has some lovely views.

4) Visit Robin island. This is the island which Nelson Mandela was imprisoned on. If we're lucky we will be taken around the island by ex-prisoners which would be very interesting indeed.

5) Go shopping at the Waterfront. This goes without saying. Must also try seafood as it is especially tasty!

6) Go to Cape point, the southmost point in Cape Town.

7) Many trips to Clifton beach. This beach is within walking distance of my cousins house and has been the destination of many sundowners. 

8) Quad biking, cycling, tennis.

9) Roundhouse breakfast. The roundhouse is a restaurant in an idyllic location. Not to be missed!

10) Last but definitely not least... go to HQ for a delicious steak. (yes Jake, you can come)

I'm sure my organised aunt would love to put these plans into a precise, colour coded, cross-referenced 2 week plan for me.... knock yourself out Jo!!! ;)

Shoes and sunshine

Life post dissertation is great! I had chemo on Wednesday, relaxed on Thursday and then Christopher aka Jesse came round on Friday. We had an m&s 'dine in for 2' meal which was fabulous. Sirloin steak, potato wedges, apple crumble and a bottle of wine for £10... although a significant amount of the bottle of wine ended up being drank by Christopher's laptop (clumsy boy!). On Saturday we went to High Wycombe's Eden shopping centre and I did a bit of retail therapy.

I am actually the worst shopper in the world as I am painfully indecisive and get bored of it within about an hour. However when it comes to shoes I need to be reigned in. These beautiful shoes were my latest buy after convincing myself they are a staple wardrobe item and they'll get lots of wear. I'm a sucker for comfort when it comes to clothes but the same rule does not apply to what goes on my feet.

On Saturday evening my dad cooked one of my favourite meals which consists of pork and prunes and a really nice sauce. Sounds like an odd combination I know, but trust me it works! However my bloody appetite was nowhere to be seen and I barely touched it which was rather annoying.

English summer has been teased out from behind the clouds a couple of times and on Monday my lovely housemates from uni came down to visit me for a few days. So we enjoyed the sun out in the garden on Monday and enjoyed one of dads ridiculously good barbecues. On Tuesday we went into London and went to the tate modern (turns out we aren't that interested in art..) and then went to the kings road and popped in to see Christopher at work.





This morning we went to a lovely little cafe in Amersham called seasons which does very tasty food. I had eggs benedict =D
My friends have left now but they will return soon I hope for another mini holiday in leafy Bucks.

Dissertation? What dissertation?

Today marks a very special day for me. Finally, after months of hard work and some months of not so hard work I've finally submitted both hard and electronic copies of my dissertation. I mentioned my course in one of my early posts but I am going to write a little more about it, and my aims and aspirations.

The title of my dissertation was 'How do DNA repair mistakes induce cancer?'. I was able to choose which area of this topic my dissertation would specialise in so I chose to write about the BRCA proteins. They are basically proteins which are essential in repairing mistakes in DNA replication. Some women (and men) have faulty genes which code for these proteins, and this puts them at a higher risk of acquiring breast and ovarian cancer. If you've heard of them it's probably because they've been highlighted in the media recently, with Angelina Jolie having had a double mastectomy (breast removal) due to having faulty BRCA genes. It's a mutation which can be inherited from ones mother and/or father so is often identified when theres a higher than normal rate of breast or ovarian cancer in ones family. Preventative methods include mastectomy and ovary removal.

During the first few months of writing my dissertation my mum was actually being treated for breast cancer. Not due to the BRCA proteins luckily for me! I was a bit worried that writing about breast cancer might upset me or in some way my mums illness might make writing it harder but I ended up finding it really interesting. I also wrote an essay in my first year at uni in which I was allowed to choose the title, and I chose 'anticancer drugs'. I learnt so much whilst reading around the different drugs: the way in which they work to fight cancer, why they cause the side effects that they do etc. I found it all so interesting which confirmed for me that it was a possible career path.

Last year I shopped around online to see what postgraduate courses there were available to me in the oncology field. I wanted to be based in or around London so that I could live at home or at Jesse's and commute to save some money. The first one I found really caught my eye as the course content all sounded very interesting and the structure of the course and location were perfect. It was a one year masters in Cancer Therapeutics with Queen Mary University of London in association with Barts Cancer Institute. I applied to a few others to spread my chance of getting an offer but really had my heart set on this particular course. There were only 20 places on the course and after a month or two I was adamant that they didn't want me, but luckily (I deserved some luck!) I was given a conditional place!!

I deferred the course until 2014/2015 so I could have a 'gap yah', do a bit of travelling and save up a bit of money. Unfortunately my gap year has ended up very different to my plan as I'll be finishing my treatment and then working towards the my deferred final year exams. I'll be able to squeeze a bit of travelling in in the summer though so all is not lost!

I'm doing a clinical trials research methods course in November as long as all my treatment goes to plan, and am hoping to do some work experience in Cancer Research UK's clinical trials office at some point once I'm better. So that's the aim.. I am so over organised and love having a good plan. It's something to look forward to!!

The Big 2-1

Last Tuesday was chemo number 3, which means I am now 1/4 of the way through my treatment (that was very satisfying to type!). The treatment went pretty swiftly with no delays so it was only about 4 and a half hours which was good. I always write off the first 2 or 3 days after chemo because I know I'll be exhausted and this chemo was no different. In my estimations I decided that on Wednesday Thursday and Friday I would be under the weather (and need lots of naps) but by Saturday I'd be back on form ready to enjoy life until the next treatment. 

Sunday was my 21st birthday so we had planned to have friends round for a BBQ and a drink or 10 on Saturday night to celebrate. My beautiful girls, being the stars they are, made a huge effort to be there despite many being in the middle of their exam seasons at University. However someone up above was frowning on me last week because they decided to give me some kind of virus on the Thursday evening which left me feeling very unwell and nervous that I'd end up celebrating my 21st from a hospital bed. We had to cancel my birthday plans on the Saturday which was upsetting for me as I had really been looking forward to them, but my boyfriend gave me the first part of my birthday present which cheered me up...

I'd been moaning a while back about the fact that there is lots of video footage of my younger brother when he was little but none of me and my older brother. I knew we had it all on video (or those little weird cassette things we had in the good old days) but didn't know by what means we could view this. So, for my 21st birthday, my Mum and Dad got all of the cassettes transferred to dvds and my lovely Jesse trawled through 20 hours of video footage to pick out some highlights of me over the past 21 years. He also got some close friends and family to do video tributes which he put together into one lovely show for me to watch. Needless to say, I sobbed or wept or something. Whatever it was, it can't have been attractive, and very much reminded me of my 1 year old self! The video was AMAZING.

So that was the Saturday evening and it certainly cheered me up and by Sunday morning I was feeling much better - although still very tired and slightly weak from the weight I suspect I had lost over the previous few days. It's amazing how presents can make you feel better though! I definitely got spoilt rotten and was treated to a delicious lunch at a very posh restaurant by my wonderful father. So although my 21st may not have been what I was expecting, considering all the circumstances... I would say it was outstanding!

Dog Blog

A recurring theme in this blog will be my puppy so apologies for anyone who actually only wants to read about the trials and tribulations of having cancer. It has turned in to a bit of a dog blog but she takes up a large amount of my time! I have made some progress on my dissertation (some being the key word) but still a few days away from completion I suspect.

I recently decided that if I'm going to have a shaved head I might as well make the most of the english sunshine and get a bit of a tan on my face. However my general obsession with suncream combined with the doctors orders to wear factor 50 (I've been wearing factor 30 hehe) has meant that the golden glow I'm after is yet to appear.

I'm not sure what the blogging etiquette is regarding showing off about page views but I have been very pleasantly surprised by the number of people reading my blog and the lovely feedback I've had. And yesterday I hit 30,000! So thank you for reading everyone!! I wrote this blog because when googling 'hodgkins lymphoma blog' or 'cancer blog' I often felt quite down after reading them (although many were fantastically written). As I consider myself to be quite an optimistic person I thought it'd be good to write down my spin on cancer, whilst also using the blog as a bit of an outlet. It has also allowed me to let my friends and family know how I'm feeling and what I'm up to. 

Below is a pic of me in my wig and Dizzy!

My Glass

Today I feel like my glass is not only half full, it's overflowing! I don't know if its the sun brightening up my mood but if so I'd like it to stick about. I've been doing my dissertation today and playing with Dizzy. One might think that the playing with Dizzy would have meant an end to the attempted work but somehow I have been quite productive and my mood has not suffered as a result. I think part of what's cheered me up is the knowledge that if I was completely healthy I would currently be sat in the library with an empty glass.

Me and my friends Abby and Harriet are off to a lovely pub sat on a mill this afternoon for a few drinks and dinner which should be lovely, especially with this weather! The only thing getting me down is that Jesse has lots of work on at the moment so he's in London until my next chemo. But after that it's my 21st birthday and rather than doing exams I will be having a lovely weekend with my family and Jesse so that's definitely something to look forward to!

Dizzy

So our beautiful little cockapoo puppy named Dizzy came home a couple of days ago - explaining why my blog has been a bit quiet! She is such a handful but an absolute pleasure at the same time. I now feel like boredom is not going to be an issue over the next 5 months as she will keep me more than busy.

All the chemo side effects from the last chemo have died down apart from slight fatigue, so I'm feeling much better in myself. I've designated tomorrow a 'dissertation day' on which I WILL complete or come close to completing my dissertation. It needs to be done!

I promised a bald head picture and I like to think I'm a woman of my word. But to soften the blow I'm also uploading a wig picture and some puppy pictures! Happy viewing!

Thug Life

I went through with it! On Wednesday our lovely hairdresser came round and shaved my hair off (grade 2 all over for those of you who understand the grading system). Sure I may have cried before, during and after but at least it's over with. In my opinion I look less like Natalie Portman and more like Humpty Dumpty but that's why I've got a wig! Luckily we didn't uncover any weird lumps or moles on my head although I have discovered I have got the definition of 'pea head'.

Yesterday I braved my thuggish new look (without the wig) at the park in the sunshine. As I'm in London at the moment and Londoners are a very broad looking bunch I decided no-one would blink an eye. I don't know if it was paranoia or what, but I did feel like every other person was staring at me trying to decide whether I was actually ill or just trying to make a very bold fashion statement. I'm not sure which I'd prefer...

I am thinking about uploading a picture but not sure whether I've got the balls so maybe at a later date I'll pluck up the courage. We'll see.

Here we go again..

Chemo day today, and this time it went much more smoothly. I don't have a lot to write because I actually slept through a lot of it so maybe it should be my mum and Jesse writing this post for me! It did manage to take 7 hours this time but minus about 3 hours sleeping time it felt more like 4. 

I've made the very difficult decision to have my hair shaved off on Wednesday. I know that I could have just left it to all fall out naturally but it's such a pain! Everywhere I go I leave a trail of hair behind me. And Jesse is always having to constantly de-hair my shoulders (as in pick hairs off them, I don't just have abnormally hairy shoulders).

Anyway it's hard to be sad about anything today because it is the finale of Broadchurch tonight on ITV. For any of you weirdos who haven't been watching, it is a drama about a small village with a murderer amongst them. Everyone I know has been speculating and making their own decisions about who they think 'did it' over the past 7 weeks and tonight we finally find out! I think there will be a small gap in my life when Broadchurch finishes which I'll have to fill with some other TV series (I tried 'Breaking Bad' but watching a depressing TV programme about someone else with cancer isn't working out for me). 

I just wanted to share a picture which my lovely friend Shel sent me all the way from South America. I am planning on doing a South America trip once I'm better so if all goes to plan I will be posting a picture in the same place with some kind of witty sign in just over a year. Incredible views!!

Home Sweet Home

At 4pm on Friday I was finally allowed to go home! I know that I'm slightly dramatising the situation and in reality only spent 3 days and 2 nights in hospital, but that felt like plenty. My temperature went down naturally, although I had joked that if it didn't I would put an ice cube in my ear before the nurse came to take my temperature. By the way the temperature was taken from the ear, I hadn't just turned completely weird. The final needle count on Friday was 4. And the removal of one cannula... so I suppose -1.

Chemo is now on Monday (tomorrow) which means that all of my chemo for the foreseeable future will be pushed forward a week so that it's still every two weeks. This screws up a lot of future plans which were going to be during what I call 'the fit and healthy week' - this is the 2nd week following a chemo (including my 21st birthday, fan-bloody-tastic).

I am aware that I have not mentioned the puppy much in the past few posts. This does NOT mean she has not been on my mind and I am very excited to announce that we will be collecting her a week tomorrow. I can't put into words how excited I am so I won't try as it'll probably read as a load of gobbledygook.

As if being in hospital wasn't traumatic enough my hair decided to take this opportunity to start falling out. Only a few strands at a time, but I suspect it'll be gone within a week or so. The sun appears to be making an appearance more often now too, perhaps summer is finally here. Am I going to be like one of those bald men who have to apply endless suncream to their head to prevent it burning? Or put on my wig and just be a very sweaty version of myself? Only time will tell...

Sleepy sleepovers

I feel like I've seen a lot of tv dramas and films in which people just rip out their drips and discharge themselves from hospital, and I never understood why they did it..... till now. Sure, it might have been to fight crime or to complete a police investigation (anyone who's been watching Broadchurch will know what I mean). But after 2 nights and 3 days in hospital I have had enough.

Being 'observed' pretty much means being woken up every 2 hours to have a device poked into your ear to check your temperature. Following the high temperature which I seem to have maintained I'm then woken up to pump antibiotics/paracetamol into me. Last night was slightly better but I still miss the comfort of my own bed and the freedom to move my hand without having to worry about knocking the cannula. Hopefully I will be returning home this afternoon (touch wood) given that my temperature doesn't go above 38 degrees as my neutrophil count is back up :-)

Needle count today is 4. One in my bum (hehe) two failed blood tests and one successful blood test.

My poor mother ended up staying over in the hospital last night with a fold up bed which I believe was actually more comfortable than my hospital bed. So we had a really fun sleepover (well until mum fell asleep at about 10pm). Now that we have watched a suitable amount of 'morning tv' the tv is off and I have put make up on to further convince the nurses that I am better and should DEFINITELY not be kept here another night. Last temperature check was 37.2 :D

Bloody Hell

I've always been scared of blood and needles. When I was a little girl I used to get panic attacks from something as minute as a paper cut. And I've never quite grown out of it.

So if I've learnt one thing it's that you should by all means avoid getting a haematological disease if you've got a fear of blood or needles.

Chemo was supposed to be today but unfortunately my white blood cell count was too low to go ahead with it and I have now got a temperature and headache to go with my disappointment. So here I am, back in hospital, being kept in overnight to be pumped full of antibiotics. Needle count today is currently on 3. One canular in hand, one blood test and one injection. With another injection expected later - woohoo! 

Me and mum have just had jacket potatoes and are now settling down to watch 'What to expect when you're expecting'. So hopefully that will pass the time and before I know it I'll be discharged, well until chemo on Friday anyway!

Sorry for the slightly 'glass half empty' tone to this post, it has been a frustrating day but fingers crossed I'll be back to my optimistic self as soon as possible!!

Hodgkins

I thought I should probably just post a blog actually explaining Hodgkin's disease and explaining where I am. This is mainly for my friends and family to stop them from worrying but hopefully it's interesting for others too!

So I know it is very google-able but Hodgkins lymphoma is basically cancer of the lymph nodes. There is another type of lymph node cancer called non-Hodgkins lymphoma. They consist of different cell types and have different patterns of spreading. When I was first referred to the hospital I (perhaps stupidly) googled my symptoms which essentially was just a painless lump behind my left collarbone. Hodgkins lymphoma was highlighted to me at this point as it is common in individuals in their 20s and over 50. For me it was symptomless but for many people there can be symptoms including night sweats and fatigue. Interestingly there has been found to be a loose link between Glandular fever and Hodgkins lymphoma, and I actually had a bad case of Glandular fever at the age of 17 whilst studying for my AS levels.

There are different stages of the disease: 1, 2 ,3 and 4, and there are letters: A and B. A is assigned to symptomless patients and B is assigned to those with symptoms. I was told originally that I was probably stage 1A or 2A which would have meant the disease was localised to my left shoulder and involved 12 weeks of chemotherapy, but following my PET/CT scan it became apparent that it was stage 3A and therefore 24 weeks of chemo (darn it). But the results from the bone marrow extract showed it hasn't spread to my bone marrow which was great news!

Hodgkins lymphoma is extremely treatable and has generally got great outcomes. In the words of the nurse in Birmingham 'if you've gotta have cancer, this is the one to have'

When I first found out I was having 24 weeks of chemo I'd tell people "It's okay because I'm just pressing pause on my life and I'll press play again in 6 months time". But now I have a different outlook all together and would like to live by the following saying:

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."
(another of mum's plaques - sorry!)

Bald as a coot

The science

Hair loss is one of the things most commonly associated with cancer, but is actually just a result of the chemotherapy. This is because chemotherapy targets and ultimately kills rapidly dividing cells (one of the hallmarks of cancer cells) and hair cells are also rapidly dividing.

The reality

In all honesty the thing that scares me most about this whole process is the hair loss. I know that might seem really shallow/vain but hair loss is the only external clue to what is happening inside my body (apart from my scar which is pretty bloody cool even if I say so myself). Anyway the doctor said hair usually starts falling out roughly 4 weeks after the first treatment, so for me it'll be about 3 weeks.

The way I see it I have a number of choices:

1. Try to rock a bald head Jessie J/Nat Portman style (unlikely unless my face decides to develop cheekbones of some sort within the next few weeks).

2. Wear the wig which I have already bought. It looks real and is definitely nicer than my real hair ever was! I will constantly look like I've had a salon blow dry. But if summer does ever decide to kick in I will have a rather warm head.

3. There are tons of headscarf or hat type things online. I'm not sure how I feel about them because they kind of scream 'I've got cancer' or I'm just a massive hippie. Both of which I'd like to avoid..

any feedback welcome!

A great day

It's only been a week since my first chemotherapy, and I feel... well... normal. I've always liked my sleep so it wasn't rare for me to disappear at some point in the afternoon for a cheeky mini siesta. But I quite like how Jesse described my naps post-chemo - "Less like a nap and more like hibernation". So I suppose chemo has affected my energy levels however today I have been up since 9.30am solidly (it is now 10pm), and my eyes are well and truly open.

Me and mum went to Bicester village today, and had a lovely time pretending to be rich and admiring lots of beautiful clothes. I couldn't help but wonder what will suit me when I'm bald/wearing my wig. This is another issue that I need to address but I'll do a post about that tomorrow as the whole hair loss thing isn't really something I can just mention in passing. Anyway we got home from Bicester at about half 4 (I may have dozed in the car...) and when we got home it was mum who had a nap, not me! 

I had a lovely relaxing bath (courtesy of my second cousin and his girlfriend who sent me a fantastic 'home spa' collection) which was just what the doctor ordered, before getting ready to go out for dinner with my girls. 

It's a Wednesday, which many people will know is 'Orange Wednesday', basically meaning half price Pizza Express. Me and my friends will rarely pass up a Pizza Express anyway but when it's a wednesday there is no excuse. We had such a lovely time catching up and telling stories (we have all been friends for about 9 years now so there are plenty of stories) and I can honestly say that it summed up a pretty perfect day. 

Wedding bells

So yesterday was the big day (not mine, don't worry). Some lovely friends of ours got married at a beautiful hotel in London. Having had chemo only 3 days previously, I was slightly worried that I wouldn't be able to make it to the wedding. But I am a pretty stubborn person and once I've got my mind set on something that's it, no matter how many anti-nausea pills I have to take!

The whole day was amazing, we arrived at 3 for the ceremony and left after dinner (which I will expand on soon...). It was weird meeting and being surrounded by people who, in general, didn't realise I was ill. Amazing what a lot of make-up can do eh! I kept my smile plastered to my face all day and met lots of wonderful people who all treated me like another, normal guest. However when it came up to 9pm and we decided to leave (my batteries were running low),  I almost wanted to mutter *cough I had chemo on Wednesday cough* when saying goodbye, for fear of looking boring.

Most importantly my lack of appetite managed to disappear in fantastic timing, as a juicy fillet of steak was placed in front of me at dinner time (phew). I devoured the entire thing and felt much better for it. Mum had warned me that chemo might put me off alcohol (I laughed and said it was unlikely) but yesterday I somehow found myself turning down every waiter and waitress that came in my direction with a bottle, unless it was still water. Turns out I don't need alcohol to have fun! ;)

So I think to conclude, although chemo may be giving me a 4 day hangover (and counting) it does not necessarily mean the end of my social calendar. A big thanks to Gabriella and Paul for giving me the opportunity to realise this.. x

The Hangover

No.. don't worry.. I haven't been getting drunk. The thought of drinking is actually quite unappealing. However for some unknown and very unfair reason it feels like I have a constant hangover. One of those hangovers where you know it would be good to eat but the thought of food makes your stomach churn. I have been knocking back my anti-nausea pills which does make a difference and will prepare me for the yummy dinner that Jesse (my boyfriend) is cooking me.

We are going to a wedding tomorrow at a very smart hotel in London. This wedding will undoubtably be serving delicious food so I am crossing my fingers and toes that my appetite returns in time. And if not I'm sure I will eat it anyway :). I LOVE FOOD.

P.s.

Update on the puppy situation... I am planning on visiting her on Monday or Tuesday with my younger brother. She will be about 5 weeks old and obviously adorable so expect lots more pictures next week!

Gift Galore

I must say you realise how many wonderful friends and members of family you have when going through a hard time. I already knew they were pretty fantastic because 2012 was almost as testing as 2013 is turning out to be, with my mum being treated for breast cancer and one of my best friends passing away so suddenly. They are the kind of things that bring you closer to everyone around you.

There is a saying I really like which is on a plaque that my mum was given during her treatment which says:

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"

For me this is so true. If someone was to tell me 2 years ago everything which would be thrown at me I would tell them to get the doctor on the phone for some anti-depressants. But now I feel remarkably optimistic. (lets see how long that lasts!)

Anyway another of the bonuses is all the wonderful things I've been sent. Numerous cards filled with kind words which competed with the cards my mum received for her 50th birthday last week. Beautiful flowers. And incredible gifts and hampers. 

Oh and lets not forget.... I'm getting a puppy!! We've never had pets before (apart from a couple of rather unfriendly guinea pigs). The puppy is a cockapoo, a hypoallergenic breed which is a mix between a cocker spaniel and a toy poodle. She is a girl called dizzy and she is beautiful. 

Day one of fun

So.. yesterday was my first day of Chemotherapy. The chemo I'm being given is ABVD which consists of doxorubicin, bleomycin, vinblastine and dacarbazine. I remember when the doctor told me about the chemo drugs a lot of what he was telling me sparked memories from a project I did in second year at university on anti-cancer drugs.

Anyway, yesterday went pretty smoothly, even if it did take about 6 hours! All of the drugs went in fine apart from the dacarbazine which was really achey when entering my veins. I felt a bit tired and very slightly nauseas but no where near as bad as I had been expecting. Today I feel pretty normal too! This may be due to the long cocktail of drugs I have been prescribed in order to counteract the side effects of the chemo. I feel like an old person, my grandparents always use to have lots of pills at breakfast and I always found it quite funny.

I suspect I may start feeling worse before I feel better as I think the doctor said it is the middle period between treatments which I could feel unwell. But in the meantime.. I might as well get on with my life! Going to go out for lunch today and then try and do some of my dissertation - hooray!

Hair pictures

BEFORE

AFTER