Dizzy

So our beautiful little cockapoo puppy named Dizzy came home a couple of days ago - explaining why my blog has been a bit quiet! She is such a handful but an absolute pleasure at the same time. I now feel like boredom is not going to be an issue over the next 5 months as she will keep me more than busy.

All the chemo side effects from the last chemo have died down apart from slight fatigue, so I'm feeling much better in myself. I've designated tomorrow a 'dissertation day' on which I WILL complete or come close to completing my dissertation. It needs to be done!

I promised a bald head picture and I like to think I'm a woman of my word. But to soften the blow I'm also uploading a wig picture and some puppy pictures! Happy viewing!

Thug Life

I went through with it! On Wednesday our lovely hairdresser came round and shaved my hair off (grade 2 all over for those of you who understand the grading system). Sure I may have cried before, during and after but at least it's over with. In my opinion I look less like Natalie Portman and more like Humpty Dumpty but that's why I've got a wig! Luckily we didn't uncover any weird lumps or moles on my head although I have discovered I have got the definition of 'pea head'.

Yesterday I braved my thuggish new look (without the wig) at the park in the sunshine. As I'm in London at the moment and Londoners are a very broad looking bunch I decided no-one would blink an eye. I don't know if it was paranoia or what, but I did feel like every other person was staring at me trying to decide whether I was actually ill or just trying to make a very bold fashion statement. I'm not sure which I'd prefer...

I am thinking about uploading a picture but not sure whether I've got the balls so maybe at a later date I'll pluck up the courage. We'll see.

Here we go again..

Chemo day today, and this time it went much more smoothly. I don't have a lot to write because I actually slept through a lot of it so maybe it should be my mum and Jesse writing this post for me! It did manage to take 7 hours this time but minus about 3 hours sleeping time it felt more like 4. 

I've made the very difficult decision to have my hair shaved off on Wednesday. I know that I could have just left it to all fall out naturally but it's such a pain! Everywhere I go I leave a trail of hair behind me. And Jesse is always having to constantly de-hair my shoulders (as in pick hairs off them, I don't just have abnormally hairy shoulders).

Anyway it's hard to be sad about anything today because it is the finale of Broadchurch tonight on ITV. For any of you weirdos who haven't been watching, it is a drama about a small village with a murderer amongst them. Everyone I know has been speculating and making their own decisions about who they think 'did it' over the past 7 weeks and tonight we finally find out! I think there will be a small gap in my life when Broadchurch finishes which I'll have to fill with some other TV series (I tried 'Breaking Bad' but watching a depressing TV programme about someone else with cancer isn't working out for me). 

I just wanted to share a picture which my lovely friend Shel sent me all the way from South America. I am planning on doing a South America trip once I'm better so if all goes to plan I will be posting a picture in the same place with some kind of witty sign in just over a year. Incredible views!!

Home Sweet Home

At 4pm on Friday I was finally allowed to go home! I know that I'm slightly dramatising the situation and in reality only spent 3 days and 2 nights in hospital, but that felt like plenty. My temperature went down naturally, although I had joked that if it didn't I would put an ice cube in my ear before the nurse came to take my temperature. By the way the temperature was taken from the ear, I hadn't just turned completely weird. The final needle count on Friday was 4. And the removal of one cannula... so I suppose -1.

Chemo is now on Monday (tomorrow) which means that all of my chemo for the foreseeable future will be pushed forward a week so that it's still every two weeks. This screws up a lot of future plans which were going to be during what I call 'the fit and healthy week' - this is the 2nd week following a chemo (including my 21st birthday, fan-bloody-tastic).

I am aware that I have not mentioned the puppy much in the past few posts. This does NOT mean she has not been on my mind and I am very excited to announce that we will be collecting her a week tomorrow. I can't put into words how excited I am so I won't try as it'll probably read as a load of gobbledygook.

As if being in hospital wasn't traumatic enough my hair decided to take this opportunity to start falling out. Only a few strands at a time, but I suspect it'll be gone within a week or so. The sun appears to be making an appearance more often now too, perhaps summer is finally here. Am I going to be like one of those bald men who have to apply endless suncream to their head to prevent it burning? Or put on my wig and just be a very sweaty version of myself? Only time will tell...

Sleepy sleepovers

I feel like I've seen a lot of tv dramas and films in which people just rip out their drips and discharge themselves from hospital, and I never understood why they did it..... till now. Sure, it might have been to fight crime or to complete a police investigation (anyone who's been watching Broadchurch will know what I mean). But after 2 nights and 3 days in hospital I have had enough.

Being 'observed' pretty much means being woken up every 2 hours to have a device poked into your ear to check your temperature. Following the high temperature which I seem to have maintained I'm then woken up to pump antibiotics/paracetamol into me. Last night was slightly better but I still miss the comfort of my own bed and the freedom to move my hand without having to worry about knocking the cannula. Hopefully I will be returning home this afternoon (touch wood) given that my temperature doesn't go above 38 degrees as my neutrophil count is back up :-)

Needle count today is 4. One in my bum (hehe) two failed blood tests and one successful blood test.

My poor mother ended up staying over in the hospital last night with a fold up bed which I believe was actually more comfortable than my hospital bed. So we had a really fun sleepover (well until mum fell asleep at about 10pm). Now that we have watched a suitable amount of 'morning tv' the tv is off and I have put make up on to further convince the nurses that I am better and should DEFINITELY not be kept here another night. Last temperature check was 37.2 :D

Bloody Hell

I've always been scared of blood and needles. When I was a little girl I used to get panic attacks from something as minute as a paper cut. And I've never quite grown out of it.

So if I've learnt one thing it's that you should by all means avoid getting a haematological disease if you've got a fear of blood or needles.

Chemo was supposed to be today but unfortunately my white blood cell count was too low to go ahead with it and I have now got a temperature and headache to go with my disappointment. So here I am, back in hospital, being kept in overnight to be pumped full of antibiotics. Needle count today is currently on 3. One canular in hand, one blood test and one injection. With another injection expected later - woohoo! 

Me and mum have just had jacket potatoes and are now settling down to watch 'What to expect when you're expecting'. So hopefully that will pass the time and before I know it I'll be discharged, well until chemo on Friday anyway!

Sorry for the slightly 'glass half empty' tone to this post, it has been a frustrating day but fingers crossed I'll be back to my optimistic self as soon as possible!!

Hodgkins

I thought I should probably just post a blog actually explaining Hodgkin's disease and explaining where I am. This is mainly for my friends and family to stop them from worrying but hopefully it's interesting for others too!

So I know it is very google-able but Hodgkins lymphoma is basically cancer of the lymph nodes. There is another type of lymph node cancer called non-Hodgkins lymphoma. They consist of different cell types and have different patterns of spreading. When I was first referred to the hospital I (perhaps stupidly) googled my symptoms which essentially was just a painless lump behind my left collarbone. Hodgkins lymphoma was highlighted to me at this point as it is common in individuals in their 20s and over 50. For me it was symptomless but for many people there can be symptoms including night sweats and fatigue. Interestingly there has been found to be a loose link between Glandular fever and Hodgkins lymphoma, and I actually had a bad case of Glandular fever at the age of 17 whilst studying for my AS levels.

There are different stages of the disease: 1, 2 ,3 and 4, and there are letters: A and B. A is assigned to symptomless patients and B is assigned to those with symptoms. I was told originally that I was probably stage 1A or 2A which would have meant the disease was localised to my left shoulder and involved 12 weeks of chemotherapy, but following my PET/CT scan it became apparent that it was stage 3A and therefore 24 weeks of chemo (darn it). But the results from the bone marrow extract showed it hasn't spread to my bone marrow which was great news!

Hodgkins lymphoma is extremely treatable and has generally got great outcomes. In the words of the nurse in Birmingham 'if you've gotta have cancer, this is the one to have'

When I first found out I was having 24 weeks of chemo I'd tell people "It's okay because I'm just pressing pause on my life and I'll press play again in 6 months time". But now I have a different outlook all together and would like to live by the following saying:

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."
(another of mum's plaques - sorry!)

Bald as a coot

The science

Hair loss is one of the things most commonly associated with cancer, but is actually just a result of the chemotherapy. This is because chemotherapy targets and ultimately kills rapidly dividing cells (one of the hallmarks of cancer cells) and hair cells are also rapidly dividing.

The reality

In all honesty the thing that scares me most about this whole process is the hair loss. I know that might seem really shallow/vain but hair loss is the only external clue to what is happening inside my body (apart from my scar which is pretty bloody cool even if I say so myself). Anyway the doctor said hair usually starts falling out roughly 4 weeks after the first treatment, so for me it'll be about 3 weeks.

The way I see it I have a number of choices:

1. Try to rock a bald head Jessie J/Nat Portman style (unlikely unless my face decides to develop cheekbones of some sort within the next few weeks).

2. Wear the wig which I have already bought. It looks real and is definitely nicer than my real hair ever was! I will constantly look like I've had a salon blow dry. But if summer does ever decide to kick in I will have a rather warm head.

3. There are tons of headscarf or hat type things online. I'm not sure how I feel about them because they kind of scream 'I've got cancer' or I'm just a massive hippie. Both of which I'd like to avoid..

any feedback welcome!

A great day

It's only been a week since my first chemotherapy, and I feel... well... normal. I've always liked my sleep so it wasn't rare for me to disappear at some point in the afternoon for a cheeky mini siesta. But I quite like how Jesse described my naps post-chemo - "Less like a nap and more like hibernation". So I suppose chemo has affected my energy levels however today I have been up since 9.30am solidly (it is now 10pm), and my eyes are well and truly open.

Me and mum went to Bicester village today, and had a lovely time pretending to be rich and admiring lots of beautiful clothes. I couldn't help but wonder what will suit me when I'm bald/wearing my wig. This is another issue that I need to address but I'll do a post about that tomorrow as the whole hair loss thing isn't really something I can just mention in passing. Anyway we got home from Bicester at about half 4 (I may have dozed in the car...) and when we got home it was mum who had a nap, not me! 

I had a lovely relaxing bath (courtesy of my second cousin and his girlfriend who sent me a fantastic 'home spa' collection) which was just what the doctor ordered, before getting ready to go out for dinner with my girls. 

It's a Wednesday, which many people will know is 'Orange Wednesday', basically meaning half price Pizza Express. Me and my friends will rarely pass up a Pizza Express anyway but when it's a wednesday there is no excuse. We had such a lovely time catching up and telling stories (we have all been friends for about 9 years now so there are plenty of stories) and I can honestly say that it summed up a pretty perfect day. 

Wedding bells

So yesterday was the big day (not mine, don't worry). Some lovely friends of ours got married at a beautiful hotel in London. Having had chemo only 3 days previously, I was slightly worried that I wouldn't be able to make it to the wedding. But I am a pretty stubborn person and once I've got my mind set on something that's it, no matter how many anti-nausea pills I have to take!

The whole day was amazing, we arrived at 3 for the ceremony and left after dinner (which I will expand on soon...). It was weird meeting and being surrounded by people who, in general, didn't realise I was ill. Amazing what a lot of make-up can do eh! I kept my smile plastered to my face all day and met lots of wonderful people who all treated me like another, normal guest. However when it came up to 9pm and we decided to leave (my batteries were running low),  I almost wanted to mutter *cough I had chemo on Wednesday cough* when saying goodbye, for fear of looking boring.

Most importantly my lack of appetite managed to disappear in fantastic timing, as a juicy fillet of steak was placed in front of me at dinner time (phew). I devoured the entire thing and felt much better for it. Mum had warned me that chemo might put me off alcohol (I laughed and said it was unlikely) but yesterday I somehow found myself turning down every waiter and waitress that came in my direction with a bottle, unless it was still water. Turns out I don't need alcohol to have fun! ;)

So I think to conclude, although chemo may be giving me a 4 day hangover (and counting) it does not necessarily mean the end of my social calendar. A big thanks to Gabriella and Paul for giving me the opportunity to realise this.. x

The Hangover

No.. don't worry.. I haven't been getting drunk. The thought of drinking is actually quite unappealing. However for some unknown and very unfair reason it feels like I have a constant hangover. One of those hangovers where you know it would be good to eat but the thought of food makes your stomach churn. I have been knocking back my anti-nausea pills which does make a difference and will prepare me for the yummy dinner that Jesse (my boyfriend) is cooking me.

We are going to a wedding tomorrow at a very smart hotel in London. This wedding will undoubtably be serving delicious food so I am crossing my fingers and toes that my appetite returns in time. And if not I'm sure I will eat it anyway :). I LOVE FOOD.

P.s.

Update on the puppy situation... I am planning on visiting her on Monday or Tuesday with my younger brother. She will be about 5 weeks old and obviously adorable so expect lots more pictures next week!

Gift Galore

I must say you realise how many wonderful friends and members of family you have when going through a hard time. I already knew they were pretty fantastic because 2012 was almost as testing as 2013 is turning out to be, with my mum being treated for breast cancer and one of my best friends passing away so suddenly. They are the kind of things that bring you closer to everyone around you.

There is a saying I really like which is on a plaque that my mum was given during her treatment which says:

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"

For me this is so true. If someone was to tell me 2 years ago everything which would be thrown at me I would tell them to get the doctor on the phone for some anti-depressants. But now I feel remarkably optimistic. (lets see how long that lasts!)

Anyway another of the bonuses is all the wonderful things I've been sent. Numerous cards filled with kind words which competed with the cards my mum received for her 50th birthday last week. Beautiful flowers. And incredible gifts and hampers. 

Oh and lets not forget.... I'm getting a puppy!! We've never had pets before (apart from a couple of rather unfriendly guinea pigs). The puppy is a cockapoo, a hypoallergenic breed which is a mix between a cocker spaniel and a toy poodle. She is a girl called dizzy and she is beautiful. 

Day one of fun

So.. yesterday was my first day of Chemotherapy. The chemo I'm being given is ABVD which consists of doxorubicin, bleomycin, vinblastine and dacarbazine. I remember when the doctor told me about the chemo drugs a lot of what he was telling me sparked memories from a project I did in second year at university on anti-cancer drugs.

Anyway, yesterday went pretty smoothly, even if it did take about 6 hours! All of the drugs went in fine apart from the dacarbazine which was really achey when entering my veins. I felt a bit tired and very slightly nauseas but no where near as bad as I had been expecting. Today I feel pretty normal too! This may be due to the long cocktail of drugs I have been prescribed in order to counteract the side effects of the chemo. I feel like an old person, my grandparents always use to have lots of pills at breakfast and I always found it quite funny.

I suspect I may start feeling worse before I feel better as I think the doctor said it is the middle period between treatments which I could feel unwell. But in the meantime.. I might as well get on with my life! Going to go out for lunch today and then try and do some of my dissertation - hooray!

Hair pictures

BEFORE

AFTER

Choppy chop

So of course one of the well known side effects of chemotherapy is hair loss. My chemo starts on Wednesday and hair is expected to start falling out in 3 or 4 weeks. The nurse told me it was a good idea to have my hair cut fairly short before starting chemo so that it's less of a shock when it falls out. I have taken this opportunity to try a new hair cut! Because if I hate it a) I've got a wig as backup and b) it'll fall out in a few weeks anyway!! So who cares if it looks crap!

Post hair cut I am pretty pleased - apparently my hair now looks better than it did before (not sure whether this is an insult or not). However now feeling a bit bummed out that it's going to fall out in a few weeks (damn!).

Pictures to follow.......