A little extra help

Writing this post isn't going to be easy, because it regards a subject which I think is still somewhat taboo in society. Counselling. (And mental health in general). For some reason I feel embarrassed that I decided to go to a counsellor, and even more embarrassed about posting about it on my blog. But I know that in reality I have nothing to be ashamed of. To be honest, if it hadn't been for my mum I probably would never have gone. I would have accepted that sometimes I will feel upset and struggled on trying to deal with what the past year has meant to me, by myself. But I'm glad that mum suggested going to speak to someone because it really does clear the mind and feel like a big weight is off my shoulders. It has become clear to me that without this counselling I might have been able to deal with my emotions, but equally there was a sizeable chance that I'd have developed depression. I don't think people should be ashamed of speaking to someone, because no matter how strong the support system around you may be, speaking to a stranger can really make a difference.

Life in limbo

On Monday I had my end of chemo PET/CT scan. My haematologist said that the results would fall into one of three categories. Either white all over meaning I am completely clear of the cancer and in official remission, black which would indicate the cancer is still present and more chemo would be necessary, or grey which would be an inconclusive scan which would need to be followed up with another scan a few months later to determine if more treatment was to be necessary. He warned me that it was quite common for there to be some grey areas. So I suppose I had somewhat mentally prepared myself for that. But the idea of any black areas was quite simply unthinkable. Thankfully I finally have had some good luck and the scan was completely white - HELLO REMISSION!!

Since finishing chemo I have discovered something that I wasn't expecting. I wanted to share it on here for anyone who stumbles across this blog who has been diagnosed with cancer, so that you are prepared for the unexpected! I assumed that the end of chemo meant that I'd have my life back. Freedom, and time to do whatever I want. Yet here I am, with no job, no university (until exams next year) and basically very little to do. This hasn't been helped by my broken arm which has left me unable to drive. So the euphoric feeling of finishing has been replaced by a unwelcome feeling of 'now what?'. I think during chemotherapy the scheduled fortnightly treatment provided me with some structure, which made time pass much quicker. I am going to try to jam pack my days full of activities so that I don't die of boredom. But I have learnt a valuable lesson in the importance of structure in ones life. We all complain about lectures/jobs/school but without them we'd be complaining even more (as I have proven!). 

I've also realised that during chemo I didn't actually have that much time to think about and reflect on what I was going through. It all seemed to just happen. Now my thought processes are something along the lines of 'oh my god did the past 6 months really happen? Did I just beat cancer?'. It all feels quite surreal. But you know what they say - what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. I believe it's true.