The Big Apple

I'm sure I had mentioned New York many times in previous blog posts but I never knew if I would actually be able to go. Well... there was a light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, there were a lot of lights at the end of the tunnel for me exploring the big bright city of New York. It was incredible. I had enough energy to enjoy the sightseeing, the shopping and the dining. And my god the people are friendly. Every other person seemed to comment on my 'great hairstyle' with only one person actually picking up on the fact that my shaved head was not a decision I made freely. Central park was probably my favourite part of the city but the whole vibe was amazing and the skyline created by the tall buildings was stunning. Next stop... Cape Town!

A little extra help

Writing this post isn't going to be easy, because it regards a subject which I think is still somewhat taboo in society. Counselling. (And mental health in general). For some reason I feel embarrassed that I decided to go to a counsellor, and even more embarrassed about posting about it on my blog. But I know that in reality I have nothing to be ashamed of. To be honest, if it hadn't been for my mum I probably would never have gone. I would have accepted that sometimes I will feel upset and struggled on trying to deal with what the past year has meant to me, by myself. But I'm glad that mum suggested going to speak to someone because it really does clear the mind and feel like a big weight is off my shoulders. It has become clear to me that without this counselling I might have been able to deal with my emotions, but equally there was a sizeable chance that I'd have developed depression. I don't think people should be ashamed of speaking to someone, because no matter how strong the support system around you may be, speaking to a stranger can really make a difference.

Life in limbo

On Monday I had my end of chemo PET/CT scan. My haematologist said that the results would fall into one of three categories. Either white all over meaning I am completely clear of the cancer and in official remission, black which would indicate the cancer is still present and more chemo would be necessary, or grey which would be an inconclusive scan which would need to be followed up with another scan a few months later to determine if more treatment was to be necessary. He warned me that it was quite common for there to be some grey areas. So I suppose I had somewhat mentally prepared myself for that. But the idea of any black areas was quite simply unthinkable. Thankfully I finally have had some good luck and the scan was completely white - HELLO REMISSION!!

Since finishing chemo I have discovered something that I wasn't expecting. I wanted to share it on here for anyone who stumbles across this blog who has been diagnosed with cancer, so that you are prepared for the unexpected! I assumed that the end of chemo meant that I'd have my life back. Freedom, and time to do whatever I want. Yet here I am, with no job, no university (until exams next year) and basically very little to do. This hasn't been helped by my broken arm which has left me unable to drive. So the euphoric feeling of finishing has been replaced by a unwelcome feeling of 'now what?'. I think during chemotherapy the scheduled fortnightly treatment provided me with some structure, which made time pass much quicker. I am going to try to jam pack my days full of activities so that I don't die of boredom. But I have learnt a valuable lesson in the importance of structure in ones life. We all complain about lectures/jobs/school but without them we'd be complaining even more (as I have proven!). 

I've also realised that during chemo I didn't actually have that much time to think about and reflect on what I was going through. It all seemed to just happen. Now my thought processes are something along the lines of 'oh my god did the past 6 months really happen? Did I just beat cancer?'. It all feels quite surreal. But you know what they say - what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. I believe it's true.

Me again...

Hello readers. I know what you're thinking. Back already? Oh god the cancer is back? Well... no - I haven't even had my scan yet! But yesterday I went for a bike ride round the block and managed to fall off and fracture my right arm. Silly me. Although I blame the cages on mum's bike pedals. So I suppose my fitness plan may go off to a slower start than I'd hoped. Perhaps this is a message from 'above' telling me to SLOW THE HELL DOWN. Message received. Although I did go and meet with a personal trainer today to get the ball rolling, with or without my right arm.  No more yoga for a while. Namaste yoga. Here's to hoping this cast isn't on too long, I will keep the blog updated in the meantime.

The Conclusion

So here it is, the blog post you've all been waiting for. After 5 months of fortnightly chemotherapy I have finally had the final dose. I've also had my picc line removed so can finally shower without a ridiculous plastic thing covering my entire right arm!

I don't know what to write now, for the first time since I started this blog. Obviously I have a lot of thank you's to do which will come but first of all I suppose I should describe how I feel. Which is much harder said than done! This has been an extremely difficult phase of my life and I am so relieved to have come out the other side fairly smoothly. My pin cushion stomach will be very happy to see the back of all the injections. I feel like laughing and crying at the same time. But there is a certain sense of what next? It's a bit scary to think I can do whatever I want without having to consider whether it will coincide with feeling poorly or with a chemo day. I suppose that's what they call FREEDOM. I'm certainly going to embrace it.

Here come the thank you's. They may seem boring to a lot of readers but to me they are immensely important because without these people the past 9 or so months would have been difficult, and seemed impossible.

First of all the most important and probably under-appreciated individuals in this whole process. The doctors, nurses, healthcare assistants, caterers and general staff in my ward at the hospital. I know I was not the easiest patient at times as I was always begging to go home but I am so lucky to have been treated and seen to by such passionate, caring and professional staff.

My family. I remember talking to my aunt early this summer and saying that in a way I'm glad it was me that got ill and not someone with a dysfunctional unsupportive family. A controversial comment perhaps, but I have had such an incredible support system and it has taken so much of the pressure off me. I've always been told it's ok to have the occasional cry - but I've never had to cry alone. My mum astonishingly attended every single one of my 12 chemotherapy session whilst my dad managed to keep working and keep home life ticking over normally. And you bought me a dog (which you now want to keep for yourselves but regardless..).. thank you!!! The concern of my brothers has meant so much to me and I'm so grateful to you both for making me smile when I didn't think I could. Obviously the new addition to the family - Dizzy the Cockapoo - deserves a big thank you as she was an amazing distraction and has taken the hearts of the whole family. But she can't read so I won't go on...

Another of the support systems which I could not have gone without and will never take for granted is my friends. I have got the most unbelievable group of girls both from home and university who have been there behind me pushing me forward with an invisible hand. When you go through something like this you realise who is important in your life and I can happily say that these people, who know who they are, will be friends for life. Despite the chemo I've actually had a fantastic 5 months with the girls all being home from uni/graduating and it has really picked me up and kept me busy.

And last, but most certainly not least, Christopher. What can I say? Tomorrow we will have been together for a year. To think that 6 months into our relationship I was diagnosed with cancer is astonishing. What's even more astonishing is that you stuck by my side. I don't think there are many 22 year old men who would do that. And in the way that you have as well, being a vital member of chemo-club, experiencing the whole thing with me and actually making it feel positive. We've been on so many fun dates and we've learnt to appreciate each other in a way that many couples probably never do. I'm crying writing this because I'm a soppy old thing. But thank you for everything.

Writing the thank you's was probably the most emotional thing about finishing. I will carry on writing the odd blog post because I've still got a scan in 3 weeks time and lots of exciting holidays which it would be nice to log. So this isn't the last post although it does feel like it is in a weird way. The final thing I need to say is thank you for reading this blog. If it hadn't had the response that it did, I suspect I wouldn't have bothered writing. And for me, it has been so valuable to be able to document my feelings in a completely open and honest way. I can't lie, so I couldn't lie to you and that has meant I haven't had to lie to myself or hold my emotions in. I feel like I'm a stronger person than I was before, but who knows if I had it in me to start off with, and have never needed to utilise it before. I hope that after my masters I am able to get a job working in Cancer Research and can in some way give something back and make a difference in this never ending fight against cancer. And if not... I hope this blog can be found by young people diagnosed with cancer and give you hope. Because it is going to be okay in the end. :-)

Just my luck!

Today was meant to be the day. THE day that I finally finished chemo. I've had lots of people wishing me well and saying how happy they are for me that it's nearly over. And for some reason I wasn't getting too excited. Well now I know why... my silly neutrophils decided to take another dip meaning that I wasn't allowed to have the treatment. I was given a booster injection, and will be having another tomorrow with the hope of having chemo the following day. But I won't be getting my hopes up! Please if you're reading this cross your fingers, toes, arms, legs, and eyes if you can, that these silly little white blood cells wake up in time for Friday.

Until then... goodnight all!

p.s. Dizzy has been spayed and she is really sad. I on the other hand am gutted not to have finished chemo today but had Wagamama for lunch which cheered me up completely. Oh the little things. :D

Nearly there...

I had chemotherapy yesterday. And I actually can't believe I'm writing this but... I've only got one left! I never thought I'd see this day, it always seemed such a long way into the distance. But it really is in sight. And I'm finally beginning to allow myself to genuinely look forward to the future. A healthy future. Trust me, it will be healthy. I think having a life threatening disease allows you to realise how easy it is to make small adjustments to your life to make it healthier. A good diet, fitness, and general well being is actually so achievable but people (including myself) often see them as a hassle. But after 5 or 6 months of doing very little exercise I miss it so much. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't exactly a fitness freak before! But I'd do the odd bit in the gym and go to trampolining when I wasn't feeling too lazy. And ofcourse I walked the 10 minute journey to and from uni several times a day. Being less mobile now has made me realise how far a bit of exercise goes in making you feel better inside and out.

I saw a lung doctor yesterday, following a series of tests. He thinks I've got asthma (not sure if this is a result of chemo or not?) which is treatable but explains my ongoing breathlessness. Hopefully getting that sorted will encourage me to do more exercise without worrying about getting puffed out or fainting (a story for another time...).

So the general mood of this post is for me a motivational one to push myself to get fitter and be healthier. But I hope it helps people reading this too! If you have low energy levels chances are you aren't eating healthily and you aren't getting enough exercise. Do something about it with me!!